Should you commit to your healing process or is it a short-term project?

You might be surprised by my answer, not to be confused with THE answer. My answer is this: both yes and no. Commit to healing to the point that you can create a new routine that works for you, but not to the point that you suddenly believe that you’re unhealed when you’re not doing the work. The reality is, doing this work every single day can become really heavy, and the last thing we want to do is to wade around in an old mess all day and night, while expecting a new life to show up.

Do the work as a part of your self-care and maintenance without becoming your trauma. Your life is more than your past, and in order to really heal, we need to learn to be present and engaged. We need to appreciate the good days when they show up, and even be willing to have a decent day when maybe we get sidetracked or dysregulated for a moment.

Healing also involves friendships and closeness with others. Social co-regulation is something that we often avoid, and the anti-social memes have become ever-so popular. “I don’t want to people, today,” has become the mental health equivalent to “I don’t want to adult, today.” In reality, though, we do need people, safe people who get us. Those we can be ourselves around. Having great conversations and good belly laughs is imperative to our healing.

Our healing is a process, and one of my favorite memes in the healing space is “I said I was healING not that I was healED.” It’s funny because it’s true. One observation to be made in going on a healing journey is that the goal is not to get back to who you were before the trauma. That is a nice fantasy but it needs to be reframed.

Becoming The New Version Of Yourself

The biggest gift of doing healing and self-development work is that we get to become a new version of ourselves, which includes the healed parts, the damaged parts, and the forgotten and lost parts. It’s a holistic, upgraded version that does not need to deny parts of itself.

Stepping out of crisis mode and into the unknowns of life with a sense of safety, and the understanding that whatever comes up you can handle, and your track record thus far is pretty decent. It’s like Tom Petty sang, “most things I worry about, never happen anways.” and that is true.

Experiencing trauma can make us feel like the other shoe is always about to drop, and even feeling safe can be extremely foreign and even triggering at first. Even now, years into the work, I have to drop my shoulders, jaw, and face, at least five or six times a day – literally anytime I think of it or notice it, I try to let them fall back into position, and while doing so I take a deep somatic breath, or long sigh to settle back in.

Early in my healing and trauma discovery I began attending 12-step meetings for codependency after hearing one of my favorite podcasters suggest it over and over. The one thing that does not resonate with me in the 12-step programs is that I am expected to commit that I am and always will be sick (addicted, codependent, etc.) and part of me cringes at affirming this.

I do love the support of the 12-step concept, in being around others who understand me, and sharing in a safe space. I still simply refuse to commit to always being broken or ill, because I truly do not see myself that way. Some things happened that changed me. Nobody gets through life without having some things happen that change them. So why would I need to label this as illness, permanence, or perpetual pain. I don’t, and I choose not to. Though, truly, CODA meetings are and were a blessing when I found them, I think they server a purpose.

I don’t have any desire to participate for 10, 15, or 20 years. I do see it as a valuable resource for those who need the support. I also appreciate that since COVID, most of the 12-step flavors have online meetings, so whether you are needing substance abuse support, or you’re a family member of an addict, or whether you need codependency or support for overspending, the 12-step world is a great doorway into the healing space, but I personally do not believe it’s the final answer, at least for me.

So should you commit?

Well, that’s up to you. I think that you should commit to healing only to the degree that you create new routines for yourself. Create a life where you have a plan for when crisis does erupt. While you’re at it though, you can also create a life that does not involve visiting your difficult experiences every single day, and one where you can experience JOY, laughter, fun, peacefulness, ease, and flow – all without feeling guilt or anxiety.

The bottom line: you deserve to feel better, and you’ve probably already spent enough time experiencing stuckness. All state changes involve destabilization and discomfort, but that part is temporary. Remember the butterfly story? If you see a butterfly struggling to get out of it’s cocoon, remember that you could help it, but then it will not be strong enough to fly, and it will fall to it’s death. The struggle helps the butterfly to get stronger before the flight.

In a way that does not glorify the struggle, just know that you are the same. Part of what you’ve gone through was awful, but other parts get to be wonderful. You’ve done your  time in the darkness, and struggle, and now you get to open your strong, beautiful wings and fly. I think Tom Petty sang about that too.

If you’re ready to commit to healing from your trauma and your past, I’d be honored to be part of your journey. I specialize in women’s empowerment, self-discovery, and finding authenticit joy after trauma. I offer online courses, have written several books, and also offer one-on-one trauma coaching for those ready to embark on their healing journey.