When I wrote my first book “They Might Be Toxic” it was somewhat by accident. I had gotten upset over someone making constant references to people’s “emotional age” I studied and studied, and then became a trauma coach. As I watched people becoming more and more dysregulated in the face of this psychological abuse I, too, became more and more dysregulated– and infuriated. I was infuriated because the people who were creating a toxic environment were claiming to be spiritual gurus.

After delving into some dark psychology seeing through the smoke and mirrors was easier than ever, and my three books were born. The first, They Might Be Toxic, teaches readers how to stay OUT of toxic relationships, and asks them to explore themselves, and why they might be engaging with toxic people to begin with. The second and third teach readers how to manage the nervous system after traumatic events, and teach much of what I teach in my trauma coaching sessions, without the benefit of social co-regulation, which occurs when we have someone safe to share our experiences with.

When I took my Trauma Coaching training I quickly realized that they literally had no idea what they were calculating or what it meant. When we drop into different lower emotional states, we are going from a relaxed brain state often referred to as rest and digest, into fight, flight, freeze or fawn: one of the trauma responses. The amygdala, or the inner part of our brain is responsible for this reaction. This is an unconscious reaction that happens when we feel any threat.

If you grew up in an unstable or unpredictable environment, or if you experienced things that scared or injured you, the trauma that happened to you as a young child reinforces the quickness at which your brain might default to fight, flight, freeze or fawn, the amygdala or fear states. Quite often we minimize what trauma is, but in fact, trauma is anything your body thinks it is. Your opinion does not matter.

Here are some examples of traumatic events that you may not be thinking of as trauma.

  • Car accidents
  • Bullying, in any form
  • Poverty
  • Dental work, surgeries – especially if something traumatic happens, but even when it doesn’t!
  • Illnesses
  • Sudden death of a loved one
  • Unexpected job loss
  • Being the victim of a crime
  • Being close to a traumatic event that gets dragged through the news or social media
  • Divorce (may also be positive for many)
  • Injury, even if it isn’t terrifying or catastrophic
  • Also, anything terrifying or catastrphic

“Why include things like sugeries?” you might ask. The reality is that your body does not know the difference between getting knifed behind a 7-11 or being cut open while under anestesia. While you may not have cognitive memories of what went on while you were under, you body remembers everything. In Van der Kolk’s famous “The Body Keeps The Score,” an essential read if you’ve been through traumatic events.

Even the Adverse Childhood Experiences study fails to capture many of these, and yet, the outcomes continue to show us that traumatic events during while in utero, and traumatic events during childhood make us more ceceptible to the effects of traumas in adulthood. Those with a lower ACE score are more likely to bounce back, or be more resillient in the face of a traumatic event. While we all need social support during difficult times, someone with a lower ACE score will likely reach to loved ones or close friends, and go through a shorter grief process, while those with childhood trauma or neurodiverse nervous systems may have a much more difficult time both processing and getting over these traumas.

The added layer of having our feelings downplayed by others, often being told to not be so sensitive or to “get over it” can add to the traumatic responses we are having. The peace and validation I felt the first time someone believed everything that had happened to me was truly beyond words. I cried tears of joy.

Going through my trauma training made me realize how deeply the world needs this information, so in my 3 books I condense what I’ve learned. Out of my 3 books the red book, You’re Not Triggered, You’re Dysregulated is the one that sells most often, so I assume that is the one that people find most useful. Unf*ck Your Feelings has very similar content, with a bit more lightheartedness, which can start to return as we heal.

My heart goes out to anyone struggling with the after effects of dysfunctional relationships, toxic abuse, or domestic violence. Traumatic events come in all shapes and sizes, and so does the aftermath. By understanding what your body is doing and why, you can navigate the overwhelm with a lot more ease. I’d love to help you navigate your trauma.

What is a Trauma Coach?

  • Does not diagnose you.
  • Validates your experiences.
  • Helps you understand the brain and body so you know what is happening.
  • Teaches you methods to manage what happens when you feel yourself becoming triggered or overstimulated
  • Not going to tell you “Calm down, you’re just overreacting.”
  • Will explain why people tell you to go for a walk.

If you’re interested in my books, podcast, or coaching sessions, please get in touch! I’d love to help you through whatever is on your mind.